Slogans

Anesthesiologist business card:
When you care enough to sleep with the very best.
**************************************
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
**************************

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
**************************

At a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit please back in.”
**************************

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
**************************

On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..”
**************************

On a Church’s Billboard:
“7 days without God makes one weak.”
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
**************************

At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
**************************

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
**************************

At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
**************************

On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
**************************

On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
**************************

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
**************************

At the Electric Company
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be”
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
**************************

And don’t forget the sign at a
Chicago
Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak

Posted in Funny Article | Leave a comment

Motivational Posters – Read the Fine Print

att00041.gif

att00017.gif

att00011.gif

Posted in Funny Photos | Leave a comment

Oops…I think I misjudged….


Continue reading

Posted in Funny Photos | Leave a comment

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR…

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERES THE SELF-HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESNT HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DONT TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU! DONE?

27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD “LISP” TO HAVE “S” IN IT?

28. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CANT SHOOT AT THEM?

29. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

30. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

31. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Continue reading

Posted in Funny Article | Leave a comment

Holiday Party Sign of the Times

2006 Christmas Party Announcement

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 8, 2006

RE: Christmas Party

Im happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 22, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! Well have a small
band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And dont be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should cost more than $10.00 to make it easier for
everyones pockets. Our CEO will make a special announcement. This
gathering is for employees only!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

P atty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 10, 2006

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterdays memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on were
calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no presents. No Christmas carol
sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now???

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 13, 2006

RE: Holid a y Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table…you didnt sign your name. Im happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,” AA
Only”; you wouldnt be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe
$10.00 is a little too chintzy.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 14, 2006

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinkin g during the
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
lu ncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees
beliefs.

Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party – or else package everything for you to take home in a little foil
doggy baggy.

Will that work?

Meanwhile, Ive arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have
to sit with the Gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be
flower arrangement for the Gay mens table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed,
though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot contro l the salt used in the food
– we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste f irst. There
will be fresh fruit as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply
“No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F—king Employees

DATE: November 15, 2006

RE: the F—king Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks – Ive had it with you people!!! Were going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it,
and youll get your f—king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But
you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
Ive heard them scream. Im hearing them right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holida y! Drive drunk and die!!!

The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 16, 2006

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

Im sure I speak for all of us wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery in “the
unit” and Ill continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party.

Happy Holidays!

Continue reading

Posted in Funny Article | Leave a comment

This one speaks for itself


Continue reading

Posted in Funny Photos | Leave a comment

Flatulence, Not Turbulence, Forces Plane Landing in Nashville

Story Courtesy of WBIR-TV, Knoxville, Tennessee

Flatulence brought 99 passengers on an American Airlines flight to an unscheduled visit to Nashville early Monday morning.

American Flight 1053, from Washington Reagan National Airport and bound for Dallas/Fort Worth, made an emergency landing there after passengers reported smelling struck matches, said Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority.

The plane landed safely. The FBI, Transportation Safety Administration and airport authority responded to the emergency, Lowrance said.

The passengers and five crew members were brought off the plane, together with all the luggage, to go through security checks again. Bomb-sniffing dogs found spent matches.

The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal body odor, Lowrance said. The woman lives near Dallas and has a medical condition.

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane.

“American has banned her for a long time,” Lowrance said.

She was not charged but could have been. While it is legal to bring as many as four books of paper safety matches onto an aircraft, it is illegal to strike a match in an airplane, Lowrance said.
Continue reading

Posted in Funny News | Leave a comment

Flatulence, Not Turbulence, Forces Plane Landing in Nashville

The Mercer News wrote an interesting post today. Here’s a quick excerpt Story Courtesy of WBIR-TV, Knoxville, Tennessee Flatulence brought 99 passengers on an American Airlines flight to an unscheduled visit to Nashville early Monday morning. American Flight 1053, from Washington Reagan National Airport and bound for Dallas/Fort Worth, made an emergency landing there after passengers reported smelling struck matches, said Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. The plane landed safely.

Posted in Funny News | Leave a comment

Naked man arrested for concealed weapon

EL CERRITO, Calif. –A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors — naked — and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said.

The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path, near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said.

John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg, was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.

“You cant get much more concealed than that,” Horgan said.

Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident.

Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison last week, was then booked into jail on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon.

“When youre talking about an awl or an ice pick and youre dealing with somebody whos fresh out of prison, its a weapon. Thats a stabbing instrument,” Horgan said.

It was not immediately clear what Sheehan was on parole for. A person answering the phone at the jail Friday night did not know whether Sheehan had a lawyer.
Continue reading

Posted in Funny News | Leave a comment

When a Halloween Costume is Just Wrong

I mean really really wrong………

We actually wish Elvis left the build long before we had to see this….

Hooters will never be the same for me…

Baahhhh Baaahhh Oooo…..


Continue reading

Posted in Funny Photos | Leave a comment